Sat down hard.

Have young face.

Must be Indian. Very strong Accent.

-Whew! Can you think of another word for clutch?

-Purse?

-No, it’s a four letter word. Purse is five letters.

-Hum, I can’t think of another word.

-How about BBQ?

-How many letters?

-Seven, your favorite number. At least I think so.

Then he follows me onto the train.

Sits beside Me. And continues talking.

-You must be good at Sudoku

-Actually, I don’t play at all.

-Then you must be good at crosswords. You know you learn good vocabulary from crosswords.

-Yeah, I don’t play any of those games.

-Why? Well, I guess I’ll be going.

And with that, he hopped of at his stop.

That was really weird. Didn’t his mom tell him not to speak to strangers?

I saw a documentary on Youtube titled : Beah: A Black Women Speaks last week and tonight I just got in from seeing a show  titled Black Museum. Both? Very uplifting and powerful. Both? Connected with each other and with me in many ways. Both? also made me feel a lesser connection with my people.

You see, black people are so mixed up, inside and out. All talking different doctrines and all marching to different beats. All praising Malcolm and Martin out of the very same mouth. It leaves you feeling, yeah, proud but also a little confused. And I am not even sure Why!? We say we don’t want to be boxed in yet, we keep boxing ourselves in. Trying very hard to create a people, a culture, who can all stand for one thing together. We are most American in these types of situations. But yet, we are not waving around our flag freely or proudly instead we are keeping our American tied and wrapped.

At the end of the show, Black Museum, the actors and actress were all celebrating the beat that they found- I guess in America- and started stomping it out; you know doing the sorority step thingy. It was entertaining, yeah. But after I thought about it. I felt they all should have been stomping differently instead of in unison to celebrate the diversity of black folk. There is no way, a people who been through that much will come out being the same.

Nevertheless, In all the acting tonight I saw Beah. And all the older generation of black actors and actress who went on before us. I saw Cosby and Poitier. I even saw Denzel. (If I said Washington, you would have no idea I was talking about Denzel). I saw their struggle and their fight to get on stage and give my people a form of entertainment we would enjoy. I also saw them teaching the younger generation how to act and accept themselves.

In addition, I heard Beah saying words are powerful and stressing the VOICE. I; therefore, tried to listen to each voice and each word that was delivered. And what I took away from them is this we are ‘dancing to the rhythm of [our] own definition’.

I believe in Christ. I know that He is real. I am a worshiper. I say ‘amen’ and ‘preach it, preacher!’ in church. I sit in the front. Yet, it seems I need my faith to be refreshed. It seems I’ve come to the end of my faith.

So, I am sitting in a public place. And, it seems I find life somewhere else. I meet someone new. I am all of sudden in a different world. Yet, that little faith that I still have is telling me – commanding me- not to forget my first love.

I come back. I still believe in Christ. I ask him to make me stronger. I feel I went away. Didn’t go to far, but far enough. I know that He is real. I am a worshiper.  I say ‘come on Singer, sing it’ and ‘minister to me!’ in church. I sit in the middle. Yet, it seems I need my faith to be refreshed. Its seems I’ve come to the end of my faith.

So, I am sitting in a public place, And, it seems I’ve strayed. I know where I am. God has grace and mercy right? It seems I am hurting. But He knows I have no need to feel that way. Which life do you want? Choose.I choose.  I take a chance. This life seems to be shaky. Maybe I should talk to someone. Tell them I’ve come to the end of my faith.

I come back. I am sitting in church. I still believe in Christ. I ask him to make me stronger. I pray. I put my trust in Jesus. And He loves me so much he doesn’t leave me. He talks with me. He walks with me. But now I sit at the back. Maybe its my shame.

I tell myself don’t go. Don’t go again to that pubic place. Yet, I find myself walking there. That’s what temptation is for isn’t it? To overcome. But I know overcoming means resiting. Yet, I continue walking.  I begin to pray. Walk and pray.

Walk and Pray. Walk and Pray. Walk and Pray. Walk and Pray. Walk and Pray. Walk and Pray.

Jesus warns me that the next temptation will be stronger.You have to leave and be strong to never go back.

Build up now because there is only one tempter and it’s not God.

I just finished reading from The New York Times. I read Bob Herbert’s editorial titled The Source of Obama’s Trouble. I am not that much of a politician. Actually, it really doesn’t interest me at all. But as a citizen and a true American its my duty to be in the know  about what’s going on in the government. (I’ll tell you what provoke me later).

Anyways, after reading the article I think the article speaks volumes to me and my situation. Me not really caring what President Obama has to say about the Health Care system in America. What I need for the most part is a job. Money. Then I can care. But maybe what is going is will help me get a job?

I haven’t really paid attention to the Health Care speeches. I am in good health. It’s my pocket that is failing.

Herbert states that while the nation is desperate for jobs, jobs, jobs the Democrats have spent most of the Obama era chanting health care, health care, health care. He continues to say that ‘people are upset because they are mired in economic distress and are losing faith that their elected representatives are looking out for their best interests.’

I am not a person to put my faith in man in the first place-  which is not a good excuse to explain why I don’t really pay attention to the government –but a steady job would be nice.

However, on the other hand, I am content with life. I like my work that I do now. I am interested to see how the Health Care package turn out and see how well Obama does for those who have serious health problems.

I have a feeling time is running out for us to not really care what those at the ‘top’ are doing. I know it time to care. Whether I want to care or not. It is more a responsiblity.

Tonight at church I was fed well.

The word of God really spoke to me. One of my main prayers was that I would be able to connect with God’s word. Sometimes the answer is right there,  I just have to listen. Sometimes the solution is not as hard as it may seem I just have to do it.

I thank God for what I am.

Why should it matter to us if a model is ugly?

Why do we look at a picture and say things like Man, she’s Ugly

She or  he is just ‘working’ the clothes

Yet, man always look at the outward appearance, literally.

Why is it so hard to forget his face; yet, I do not even know his name?

Why am I attracted to him before I know him?

What is it that makes me want to know his name?

Why did that girl just look down on me like that? She doesn’t even know me!

Why would you tell someone they have androgynous features?

Shouldn’t we be looking at the heart anyway?

I can feel his eyes on me, is he looking at me or trying to read my heart, trying to understand my ways?

Oh Gosh, It’s so hard to look at the heart!

Can we follow the heart also- or it’s just the Spirit?

So, we look at the heart and follow the spirit?

Or look at the spirit and follow the heart?

But is it our job to look at the heart or look at the outward appearance?

After all, Man does look at the outward appearance.

…Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth: for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. I Samuel 16:7